


LordQuest

by BadHorse413



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23620846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadHorse413/pseuds/BadHorse413
Summary: A sburb session played by goblins in which everything goes wrong. Our hero is Maximus Kasper, the lord of breath.
Kudos: 5





	1. Goblins

One of the hardest things about being a human is that humans are not very good. No offense to the reader (who is most likely a human themself) but humans are, to put it simply, a bit shit as species go. As a human, you will most likely never conquer the insurmountable, or do the impossible, since your weak human body is simply not up to the task. In fact, in all of recorded history there is not a single example of a human doing the impossible. In human language, as I am sure you are aware, the word for impossible is the same as the word for impossible.  
Luckily paradox space has created a great many creatures, many of which destined for greatness beyond your puny human dreams. One of these great creatures is the goblin. Goblins are not hard to understand. They are small, very strong, have green skin, tall ears, and very very sharp teeth. Even the best of humans would get their shit kicked back into their esophagus by the average goblin. They are all quite strong, and cool-looking. But even among this species, sharp as their teeth may be, there was one particular goblin who was quite special. One who was destined for unimaginable greatness. Who would have to suffer greatly to fulfill his destiny. Yes, this goblin was destined to resurrect his people against all odds, while simultaneously freeing them from the tyranny that they had known nothing but for thousands of years. How could one goblin accomplish such a feat? Quite simply, his greatness had been his destiny from birth. This goblin was something very rare. He was a lord.  
In all of paradox space, lords are very rare. There have only ever been, and there will only ever be, 12 of them. One for each of the 12 aspects. This particular goblin was the lord of breath, and his story is the story that will now be relayed into your eyeholes using the most advanced technology your society has yet invented.  
His name was MAXIMUS KASPER. Our story will start on his home planet, Nilbog, and on the day of his 23 SUN REVOLUTION BIRTHIVERSARY, a day which is hopefully self-explanatory. Just a few hours earlier, he had been banned from his favorite internet chat messages service slash internet chatroom community, Geltan. Geltan had been Maximus’s primary online haunt for almost 6 sun revs (which it should be noted is about equivalent to 4 years, give or take) but he had now been permanently banned. The reason could be anything. Perhaps his angry and egotistical attitude had simply become too much to bear. Perhaps the uncomfortable subject matter that he had made the prima materia of his humor had finally caught up with him. Perhaps the mod was just a fucking dickbag. This last one was definitely true, but Maximus thought the most important reason of all for his virtual server termination, was his revolutionary inclinations.  
Not Revolutionary as in revolutions around the sun, such as the 23rd one that he had recently completed, but revolutionary as in a violent upheaval of the dominant social structure, which is to say the liberation of goblinkind from the tyrannical godlike control of SUPREME EMPEROR XERO, DARK WIZARDLORD ETERNAL OF NILBOG AND ALL ITS COLONYMASSES. Yes, this sort of revolution occupied the mind of our protagonist at nearly all times, an obsession that he refused to leave alone. It was because of this inclination, which had followed him his whole life, that he lived his life in the real world of the uninternet as quite a pariah.  
It comes to no surprise to those who are familiar with the birthdays of important teenagers, that Maximus was currently inside of his room, and it goes without saying that his room was inside of his house. Much more surprising was the nature of his house. It was a MOTHERFUCKING CASTLE, situated on a large island dotted with farms, foliage, and various buildings, most of which had decayed in recent times. His castle used to be his island’s communal recreation area, until many sun revs ago it had ceased to be communal, on account of the fact that every single person on the island had been brutally murdered except for him. The 13 sun rev old Maximus had survived the onslaught by hiding in the one place the IMPERIAL EXTERMINATORS would never think to look, inside of a coffin. Over the course of hours and hours, every single person was located, shot repeatedly in the torso, and tossed into the boiling sea. Since that day, Maximus had been the sole inhabitant of his former COUNTERIMPERIAL COMMUNE. Around his room was various posters and objects displaying his various INTERESTS. Too bad you can’t see any of them. Ha ha.  
As was mentioned a bit earlier, some unscrupulous webbastard had nontemporarily banned Maximus from Geltan mere hours ago, depriving him of his number one source of social…… uh, ness. Socialness. Talking to other people. Social dealing. Social personstuff. You know what I’m talking about.  
It was really no big deal. He just had to make a new account on Geltan under a new name and refriend all his old friends he had met through there. But he better do it now, instead of spending any more time fucking around with his newly acquired sylladex, something he had spent countless hours frustrating himself with today, to the tune of countless offscreen shenanigans. His friend had been bugging him to play an online game, and today was the day set aside to finally play it.

**magnificenceMaximized** sent a friend request to **cunningCreature**  
 **cunningCreature** accepted **magnificenceMaximized** ’s friend request  
This is the beginning of your conversation with **cunningCreature**  
CC: whO Dis  
MM: M@XIMUS K@SPER  
CC: what happeneD tO MentalMOuntaineer  
MM: I GOT B@NNED; M@DE @ NEW @CCOUNT TO EV@DE IT  
MM: HOLD ON @ SECOND  
 **magnificenceMaximized** has sent an attachment: PROOFS.jpg  
CC: i believeD yOu alreaDy but thank yOu FOr the prOOF anyway  
MM: SO; CELERYM@N  
CC: DOnt call Me that  
MM: @RENT WE PL@YING A G@ME TOD@Y; SGLOB; WHEN IS TH@T H@PPENING  
CC: i hOnestly thOught yOu werent gOing tO be playing with us  
CC: i was gOing tO cOnnect tO asinus beFOre yOur Friend request  
MM: GOD FUCKING D@MMIT  
CC: yes yes i knOw  
MM: I C@NNOT FUCKING BELIEVE; THAT @SINUS IS PL@YING  
CC: i didnt tell yOu this when i was telling yOu abOut the gaMe because i knOw hOw it is between yOu twO  
CC: but it was actually his idea in the First place to play  
CC: alsO its called sgOb not sglOb  
MM: I SIMPLY; C@NNOT FUCKING DE@L WITH TH@T GUY  
CC: so ive heard  
CC: FrOM yOu  
CC: alMOst every Day as a Matter OF Fact  
MM: WHO ELSE IS PL@YING  
MM: ITS @ MULTIPL@YER G@ME  
MM: I NEED @DDITION@L TORSOS; BETWEEN ME @ND @SSM@N  
CC: devilishDecorator saccharineSeller oglingOptimist and arcaneAssurance  
CC: Friend theM and learn the cOnnectiOn Order  
CC: I neeD tO DOwnlOaD My server cOpy  
CC: ask DecOrus FOr a cOpy Of the game

**apocalypseArbiter** created the server “sgob”  
 **cunningCreature** has joined the server. Say hi!  
 **oglingOptimist** has joined the server. Say hi!  
 **saccharineSeller** has joined the server. Say hi!  
SS: wait wa5 thi5 today  
AA: Shut up stultus wait until everyone’s joined  
 **devilishDecorator** has joined the server. Say hi!  
 **arcaneAssurance** has joined the server. Say hi!  
AA1: Excellent, everyone is in  
AA1: To answer your question Stultus, yes this is today  
AA1: & I would appreciate it if you didn’t fill this br& new server with your stupid questions  
AA1: It would do you well to just listen for a change  
AA1: How much of our lives have already been taken up by you?  
AA1: I have performed so much emotional labor on your behalf Stultus, and what have I gotten in return?  
AA1: Nothing  
SS: 5orry  
SS: It5 ju5t that you told me thi5 wa5 happening tomorrow  
AA1: Don’t believe everything you hear Stultus  
AA1: Now, since everyone is here, we can begin  
DD: That’s nQt true  
AA1: Excuse me?  
DD: Maximus hasn’t jQined yet  
AA1: Ah yes, Maximus  
AA1: I’m afraid that when I attempted to invite him, nothing came up  
AA1: It seems that has been b& at a most unfortunate time  
AA1: It’s a shame  
AA1: Perhaps this game would have taught him some much needed lessons about respect  
AA1: You know, he never thanked me for not reporting him to the authorities  
AA1: Even though it was my birth duty as a servant of the emperor  
AA1: No thanks at all, just insults  
AA1: & heretical ideas  
OO: Max!mus was banned?  
OO: aw man what d!d he do?  
AA1: /mute oglingOptimist 10 minutes  
AA1: No more interruptions  
AA1: I have spent the better part of the week gathering a group of people to play sgob with me.  
AA1: For those of you who are just friends of a friend, & have not already been given the monologue, as well as to those who are simply not very bright,  
AA1: @saccharineSeller  
AA1: Allow me to get you up to speed  
AA1: I found the code to this game on the wall of a temple. I sent it to our dear friend Decorus, who used her computer wizardy skills to decipher & assemble the code. The result is a working exe file which I believe to be of profound importance to goblinkind. In fact, I do not just believe this, I know this. I have it on good authority from an indisputable & irrefutable source that it is our sacred & solemn duty as citizens of the emperor to play this game. The game is played in a chain, with one person connecting to another until the first person connects to the last. As the person to discover the game, & as the person best equipped to play the game, it naturally falls onto me to be the team leader. Also, the game is overlaid over the real world, so clean your fucking rooms before we start.  
 **apocalypseArbiter** has pinned a message to the channel  
AA1: Here is the connection order. Make sure you know your place.  
AA1: Me, Celeritus @cunningCreature, Arcanus @arcaneAssurance, Oculus @oglingOptimist, Decorus @devilishDecorator, and Stultus @saccharineSeller  
 **apocalypseArbiter** has pinned a message to the channel


	2. Sgob

Decorus returned from the kitchen with a glass of fish juice and set down to her computer. Unsurprisingly, Asinus had continued his valiant attempt to talk everyone in the server to death. After committing the connection order to memory, she decided to listen to Asinus’s piece of advice regarding rooms and fucking cleaning them. Decorus’s room was almost perpetually in a state of mayhem, and the walls were covered nearly entirely with things that she did not want Stuluts to see. Her floor and most of the myriad containers strewn around her room were filled with miscellaneous gadgets and wires. There were at least four extension cords. The centerpiece of the whole ensemble was the enormous poster on the wall directly in front of her bed, positioned exactly so as to see it whenever she drifted (draft?) off to sleep. It depicted the stunning Masculus Thurd, the protagonist of Lacerti Adventum 3, her favorite videogame. Dressed in nothing but his imperial jockstrap and spiked gladiator helmet, his twitchy, muscly form comforted her in many a time of.... yeah, this thing needs to go. It was exactly the kind of thing that she could never have gotten away with if she had parents, which of course she didn’t. Goblins don’t have parents; they’re raised by automated machine systems within their housing units. the closest living thing they have to caretakers are the state bureaucrats that monitor them through advanced surveillance technology. No need to hide something from the cameras if it’s not illegal, and horniness, at least for the time being, was not illegal. In any case, into the trash it went. Along with approximately half of the drawings on her wall. She also picked up all of the clothes, broken dishes, unbroken dishes, notebooks, and videogame boxes strewn across the floor. She was distracted from her cleaning by the unmistakable ping sound coming from her computer, which, much like a dog salivating at the sound of a bell, immediately caused her to drop everything she was carrying and check Geltan.

**magnificenceMaximized** sent a friend request to **devilishDecorator**

**devilishDecorator** accepted **magnificenceMaximized** ’s friend request

This is the beginning of your conversation with **magnificenceMaximized**

DD: Maximus?

MM: YOU GUESSED IT

DD: Asinus mentiQned that yQu were banned

DD: What was it fQr?

MM: I DIDNT GET @ MESS@GE OF @NY KIND TELLING ME SHIT; BUT; I THINK THE RE@SON IS OBVIOUS

MM: THE MODS @RE DICKB@GS

DD: That’s abQut what I expected the answer tQ be

MM: CELERITUS TOLD ME TO MESS@GE YOU TO JOIN THE G@ME

DD: YQu’re planning Qn playing sgQb?

MM: I @M NOT PL@NNING TO; I @M GOING TO

MM: ME PL@YING SGOB IS @N INDISPUT@BLE F@CT

MM: @ F@CT TH@T H@S NOT H@PPENED YET, @ND C@N THEREFORE NOT BE VERIFIED; BUT @ F@CT NONETHELESS

DD: Asinus said Qtherwise

MM: FUCK TH@T GUY

MM: THE ONLY THING ON NILBOG; TH@T RIV@LS HIS H@TRED FOR ME; IS MY H@TRED OF HIM

DD: I’d invite yQu tQ the sessiQn’s server but I dQn’t think I’d like tQ argue with Asinus abQut yQur inclusiQn

DD: Qr wQrse, endure an argument between yQu and him abQut yQur inclusiQn

DD: It wQuld inevitably devQlve intQ twQ seperate sessiQns

MM: THERES @ SERVER FOR THE SESSION?

DD: Yeah

DD: It’s hQw we’re cQQrdinating

DD: The cQnnectiQn Qrder is suppQsed tQ be:

DD: Asinus, Celeritus, Arcanus, Qculus, me, and then Stultus

DD: I’ll cQnnect with yQu as yQur server player

DD: Qnce yQu dQwnlQad the game

DD: And yQu can be Qculus’s server

MM: WHEN @RE WE GOING TO BE DOING TH@T

MM: NOW?

DD: I didn’t cQnsider dQing it nQw, I was planning Qn waiting fQr instructiQn frQm Asinus, since he’s technically Qur leader

DD: But I dQn’t think there’s any reasQn we have tQ delay

DD: The cQnnectiQn Qrder isn’t a chrQnQlQgical Qrder.

MM: IM MESS@GING OCULUS RIGHT NOW

Decorus took advantage of the lull in the conversation to check the session server that Asinus had made. Stultus was currently engaged in a conversation with Celeritus over strife specibi. Stultus evidently had no strife specibus, and traditional weaponry was scarce in his house. Sure would suck to be him. She would probably have to lend him a weapon as soon as possible, she thought. Luckily, lack of arms had never been a problem for her. She never left the house without her trusty scythekind specibus, as well as a snaithkind specibus on hand in case her only scythe broke. You know, a snaith? That’s what the non-sharp part of a scythe is called. You didn’t know that? Sheesh. Oh, Maximus is back.

MM: IM B@CK

MM: I GOT OCULUS UP TO SPEED

MM: @LSO; DID YOU KNOW TH@T @SINUS H@S @PP@RENTLY @LRE@DY ST@RTED?

MM: HES GOT @ WHOLE FUCKING HE@D ST@RT

MM: OH BTW; I H@VEN’T RECEIVED @ COPY OF THE G@ME YET

DD: Qf cQurse

**devilishDecorator** has sent an attachment: sgQbClient.gec

**devilishDecorator** has sent an attachment: sgQbServer.gec

DD: YQu have absQlutely nQ idea the cQmputer shit I had tQ dQ tQ cQmpile this game

DD: Translating thQusands Qf hierQglyphics intQ cQmputer cQde is even harder than it sQunds

MM: MY TH@NKFULNESS IS ENORMOUS; I DEEPLY @PPRECI@TE H@VING @ FRIEND WHO KNOWS HER W@Y @ROUND COMPUTERS

MM: THEY @RE @N ENIGM@ TO ME

MM: YOUR R@PPORT WITH COMPUTERS; WILL NO DOUBT BE INV@LU@BLE TO THE TE@M

MM: I ME@N; VALU@BLE TO THE TE@M

MM: HMMMMM

DD: What?

MM: INV@LU@BLE; @ND V@LU@BLE; ME@N @LMOST THE S@ME THING

MM: THEY @RE NOT OPPOSITES

MM: FUCK THIS L@NGU@GE

DD: What abQut flammable and inflammable?

MM: OH GOD YOURE RIGHT; TH@TS EVEN WORSE

MM: @NYW@Y; DOWNLO@DING MY CLIENT COPY

MM: C@NT FUCKING W@IT TO GET IN THIS G@ME

MM: YOU KNOW HOW I @M WITH G@MES DECORUS

DD: YQu are extremely dedicated tQ mastering them, Qften tQ the pQint Qf ignQring everything arQnd yQu fQr weeks until the game is cQmpleted

DD: YQu are quite skilled and persisent at games

DD: I knQw all tQQ well hQw yQu are with games

MM: I DONT LOSE G@MES; EVER

MM: I WIN; @ND I WIN; @T @LL COSTS

MM: @ND THIS G@ME; WILL BE WON; BY ME; EVEN MORSEO TH@N USU@L

MM: BEC@USE I @M PL@YING WITH YOU

MM: SO IT IS B@SIC@LLY @N OPEN @ND SHUT C@SE

MM: I FEEL B@D FOR THE POOR VIRTU@L CONSTRUCTS WHO SH@LL H@VE TO SUFFER THE UNSPE@K@BLE WR@TH OF OUR TE@MWORK

DD: It’s gQQd tQ hear the vQte Qf cQnfidence

DD: But dQn’t fQrget that there are 5 Qther peQple playing with us

MM: RIGHT

MM: IM GOING TO DOWNLO@D THE CLIENT COPY NOW

Decorus booted up her server copy. After a lengthy loading screen she was brought to a very rudimentary page, completely black, displaying nothing but

WELCOME TO SBURB

CHOOSE A CLIENT PLAYER TO CONNECT WITH:

ASINUS

MAXIMUS

Asinus was grayed out. She clicked on Maximus. One more brief loading screen and she could see Maximus’s room for a 3rd person view. It was a total mess. Proudly hanging on the wall directly behind him was the black flag of rebellion. It was a miracle he hadn’t been executed. Decorus wasn’t sure she was safe even displaying this on her screen, even with all the protections she had on her computer. Decorus was careful to never use any software that could be tracked, but you could never be certain you weren’t being watched.

Maximus was crouching in a sort of fetal position on top of his chair, looking as if he was precariously balanced. His walls were covered in poorly drawn sketches, presumably of his, a set of absurdly heavy dumbbells lay on the foot of his bed, in front of a beaten up wooden hope chest. To his right was a piece of ancient imperial technology, an appearifier. Appearifiers are typically only used by high ranking members of the state, or the Emperor Himself. No one knew how they were made or how they worked. The technology was top secret. The imperial symbol had been meticulously scratched out, leaving an ugly blob on the otherwise plain red box.

Decorus zoomed out. Holy shit. A motherfucking castle. Who would have known? She was totally blown away by this startling revelation. She spent the next five minutes so immersed in looking around his house and it’s adjacent area that she didn’t realize at first that Maximus had been trying to message her

MM: I CONNECTED TO THE CLIENT; NOW WH@T

MM: DECORUS?

MM: IT S@ID CONNECTION COMPLETE BUT THEN IT JUST CLOSED DOWN; EVEN THOUGH MY COMPUTER S@YS ITS STILL RUNNING

MM: YOU THERE?

DD: Yes, sQrry

DD: We cQnnected cQrrectly, as far as I’m aware

DD: I’m yQur server player

DD: Where the fuck dQ yQu live?

MM: I BEG YOUR P@RDON

DD: I’m lQQking arQund yQur hQuse and I have absQlutely nQ idea where yQu are

DD: It seems tQ be sQme sQrt Qf castle

MM: YOU C@N SEE ME

DD: Qh, yes

DD: SQrry if I fQrgQt tQ mentiQn that

**devilishDecorator** has sent an attachment: snipshQt412

**devilishDecorator** has sent an attachment: snipshQt413

Maximus immediately sat down in his chair in the normal manner, and began frantically looking around for cameras.

DD: NQ it’s part Qf the game

DD: Asinus mentiQned it

DD: AlsQ

DD: Where dQ yQu live

MM: F@R @W@Y FROM @NYONE ELSE

MM: IM W@Y FUCKING OFF THE GRID

MM: THE GRID @ND I @RE NOT ON SPE@KING TERMS

MM: I W@S BORN HERE

MM: KEEPS ME S@FE

MM: FROM TYR@NNY

MM: @LLOWS ME TO EXERCISE MY FREEDOM

MM: BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT TELL @NYONE

MM: SECRECY IS ONLY GOOD @S LONG @S THE SECRET C@N BE KEPT

MM: OTHERWISE I LIVE ON @ GI@NT T@RGET

MM: FOR MISSILE PR@CTICE

DD: DQn’t wQrry Maximus

DD: I dQn’t think it will matter Qnce we’re finished with the game


	3. eggy looking thign

Maximus looked at the enormous contraption that had recently located itself in the corner of the gym. According to Decorus, it was called an alchemiter. Its purpose was unknown. The entire far wall of the gym was being cleared out. Decorus was moving every weight, machine, and any other junk he’d brought into there at any point, either to the other side of the room, or outside of the castle altogether. It was quite mystifying to watch. Incredibly heavy pieces of steel floated up seemingly of their own accord towards the wall, and then vanished. Decorus said they didn’t dissappear, they had just gone outside of the wall. The mechanism by which this game was transforming the real world was still a complete mystery, even to Decorus’s sharp technologically oriented mind.

The next doohickeys to descend onto the floor of his house were a long and spindly one called a totem lathe, a desk-like thingy called a punch designix that had a typewriter in it, and a big sort of cube-ish one called a cruxtruder. All of them were placed directly in a row, right next to each other, which was of course the most sensible arrangement for them. Additionally, she had placed a captchalogued card full of holes in it by his feet. The card contained a red egg. The holes had rendered it unusable as a typical captchalogue card, and the egg inside could not be retrieved.

Maximus examined the machines and began to use his immense powers of deductive reasoning. There were only two machines with slots that cards could fit in: the punch designix and the totem lathe. The name punch designix implied that the purpose of the machine was to punch cards, and this card was already pre-punched. So he took the only other option, and placed it in the slot in the totem lathe. Unfortunately, there seemed to be no buttons on the machine with which to turn it on. Maximus examined the alchemiter and then the cruxtruder. The alchemiter had a little pedestal but also no controls. The cruxtruder on the other hand had a big wheel, which seemed to be straining at something. Using his freakish goblin muscles, Maximus turned the wheel with ease, causing the lid to pop off and a cruxite dowel to pop out. Along with it came a flashing purple ball. There now appeared a countdown on the cruxtruder that displayed the number 4:20, and was now counting down every second. Countdowns were never good. Maximus decided to hurry up his deductive reasoning. The next step was obvious. He placed the dowl in the totem lathe, which carved it into a totem. He captchalogued the totem in his rotary modus and began to think.

None of the things that Maximus thought about involved his sylladex. He didn’t have the time. He’d already gotten a full and thorough understanding of it earlier that day, when he scavenged it from a chest he found on the island. But the next part of his adventure, as well as many other parts of his adventure, will not make sense to a reader unfamiliar with his modus. So let’s go over it in this tangent here, since we have the benefit of time that Maximus does not have.

Maximus’s sylladex is a rotary modus. His cards are arranged in a circle, and only the card at the top of the circle can be accessed. This circle is always rotating at a rate of

(2/15) πr/s

This means the circle makes a complete rotation every 15 seconds. If there are 15 cards in the sylladex, then each card will have a 1 second window in which it can be retrieved. If there are 2 cards, a 7.5 second window, 30 cards, .5 seconds, etc. There is no limit to how many cards can be in the sylladex, but the more there are, the smaller the portion of time there is to retrieve it. If he had hundreds of items captchalogued, the rotary modus would be spinning at such a fast pace that an attempt to retrieve anything would be a shot in the dark. It may as well be a randomized modus at that point. At the moment, he had 22 things captchalogued:

1 CUSTOM CELLULAR PHONE, JAILBROKEN

1 BARBELL

1 PAIR OF DUMBELLS

1 BOX OF FISH STICK CRACKERS

1 SPARE CHANGE OF CLOTHES

1 ELECTRIC LYRE

1 AMP

1 PORTABLE GAME CONSOLE

1 PENCIL CASE

3 BOXES OF AMMO

1 PAIR OF GLOVES

1 COPY MACHINE

6 MISCELLANEOUS SKULLS

1 EXQUISITE HAT

1 CRUXITE TOTEM

Now let’s unpause time. Where were we? Oh right. Maximus had quite a bit of experience playing games. There was a big countdown, a glowing frantic seizure thing, and an important object. Obviously, the object goes in the thingy, case closed. The punch designix and the alchemiter would come in later. He walked towards the kernel and retrieved his totem. Shit. That wasn’t his totem. That was his hat. The kernel took on a distincly new appearance. It seemed his hat had been absorbed into the kernel, and had taken on its glowing purple characterisitcs. No problem. There was still over 3 minutes left on the timer. He waited a few seconds for the rotary to come around. God dammit. It’s literally only 21 things. That’s 15/21 seconds. But he was feeling anxious, and retrieved too soon. One of his skulls launched out of his sylladex and was absorbed into the kernel. That result was the outline of a goblin face wearing a hat. Finally, on the third try, Maximus got the totem, but when he threw it at the kernel, it just bounced off. What a waste of time, he thought. His next thought was the pedestal on the alchemiter. He placed the totem on the pedestal and the alchemiter swung into action.

A red egg, like the one seen on the pre-punched card, appeared on the alchemiter. At this point, Maximus finally messaged Decorus.

MM: I DID IT

DD: Created that egg?

DD: Was that Qur Qbjective?

DD: Creating an egg in 4 minutes and 20 secQnds: the game?

DD: I’m nQt sure I’m a fan Qf the cQncept

MM: THE TIMER IS STILL TICKING

MM: I THINK I NEED TO DO SOMETHING WITH THE EGG

MM: THE FUCKING H@T GOBLIN IS GOING WILD

MM: IS THERE SOMETHING YOURE SUPPOSED TO DO?

DD: I dQn’t think sQ

DD: There’s nQ guide anywhere

MM: THIS PIECE OF SHIT EGG

MM: I DON’T W@NT TO KNOW WH@T H@PPENS WHEN THIS TIMER HITS ZERO

There was about a minute left on the clock at this point. Maximus kicked the egg in frustration, knocking it off of the alchemiter and causing it to crash against the floor, breaking it. And that’s when he entered.


	4. Meteors

It had been about 45 minutes since the meteor had hit. The citizens of Xerum, despite the efforts of the police to crowd control them, were still swarming the streets in a panicked frenzy. Everybody wanted to know what was going on.  
“Return to your homes. Everything is under control. Turn on your telescreens to stay informed. Return to your homes.” The loudspeakers all acros the city blared. As much as they were used to following directions, these directions were very difficult to follow. Thousands of people lived directly next to what was now a crater. Incoming traffic was stopped. There simply were not enough police for the scale of the event at hand. All the people of Xerum and everywhere else on Nilbog for that matter anxiously awaited news from the emperor, but many goblins feared the worst, that he had been killed by the impact. There had been so sign of him since it hit, and it was highly unusual for the emperor to not mollify the people after a natural disaster. Thousands peered into the crater, not knowing what they were looking for. Chaos was the general mood.

CLOVORUM  
/NPO/ - NEWS AND POLITICAL OBEDIENCE

/hsg/ Homeworld Security General #413 anonymous no.14320413001 attachment:mainstreammeteor.png  
Meteor edition. Everything we know so far: previously undetected meteor struck the heart of Xerum while the Emperor was there. Estimated 10,000 goblin casualties, and maybe even the emperor himself. Please keep all discussions of the event and related HAPPENINGS to this thread only.

Anonymous no.14320413099  
>>14320413001 (OP) who wants to bet that this was an assassination attempt by traitors?

Anonymous no.14320413111  
This is it. Fucking arm yourselves people. The end times are here. This is the gobbaloo. 

Anonymous no.14320413154 attachment:ebinfrog.jpg  
TRAITORS KILLED SUPREME EMPEROR XERO  
TRAITORS KILLED SUPREME EMPEROR XERO  
TRAITORS KILLED SUPREME EMPEROR XERO  
TRAITORS KILLED SUPREME EMPEROR XERO  
TRAITORS KILLED SUPREME EMPEROR XERO  
(51231 characters omitted. Message too long. Click here to view the full text)

Anonymous no.14320413212  
>>14320413099 Literally no way that it wasn’t. Meteors don’t just come from nowhere. Follow the fucking evidence. Rebels must be even more powerful than we thought if they can appearify a whole meteor above the planet. 

Anonymous no.14320413300 attachment:disobedience.png  
>>14320413099  
>>14320413212  
I hate traitors so fucking much. Can you imagine how much richer our society would be if these people were all done away with and couldn’t get away with hiding from the law? They’re so fucking disconnected from reality it’s unbelievable. They don’t even understand all that the empire has done for them. Without the emperor they would be dying of hunger in the middle of an arid desert wallowing in their own filth. It makes me sick that these people are still alive

Anonymous no.14320413413  
>>14320413212  
>traitors try to kill an immortal being  
>they do it using appearifier technology  
>technology created by the fucking empire  
Why are traitors so stupid /npo/? 

Anonymous no.14320413433  
BREAKING NEWS  
ANOTHER UNKNOWN METEOR OF A LARGER SIZE STRUCK A SMALL ISLAND IN THE NORTHWESTERN OCEAN  
MORE TO COME. HAPPENING HAPPENING HAPPENING

Anonymous no.14320413466  
>14320413433  
Sauce?

Anonymous no.14320413474 attachment:checkum.jpg  
>>14320413099  
>>14320413111  
>>14320413300  
>>14320413433  
>>14320413466  
Dubs lol

Arcanus Hecate had seen quite enough of this. It was time to do something constructive. She didn’t know why she still browsed clovorum. It was an itch that needed to be scratched. Even, and seemingly especially, when there were actually important things on her plate. She checked the time. It had been almost an hour since Asinus had told her to wait for his instructions. She decided to check up on him

AA2: I? it almo?t time for me to connect with Celeritu? yet?  
AA1: You haven’t fucking connected with Celeritus yet. Are you kidding me.  
AA1: It’s been an hour since I entered the game.  
AA1: Have you really been sitting on your ass this whole damn time while I’ve been working my ass off in my l&?  
AA2: You told me not to connect with him until you told me to  
AA2: ?croll up  
AA1: I’ve been too busy to talk to you Arcanus  
AA1: You should’ve started by yourself  
AA2: That kind of thing u?ually make? you very angry  
AA1: Ugh  
AA1: Check the server for instructions on how to play  
AA1: My future self wrote it  
AA1: Which reminds me, I should go back in time and write that now  
AA1: Shouldn’t procrastinate on these things or you have too much on your to-do-list  
AA1: Now stop bugging me

The line about his “future self” caught Arcanus so much by surprise that she wasn’t sure how to respond. He had mentioned it so offhand as if it was something inconsequential. He had a tendency to do things like this. He would mention very important things as if they were common knowledge, and repeat completely bullshit insignificant things again and again, occasionally surprising you by demanding you recollect that information. If you couldn’t he’d have a fit. Arcanus could probably stay on this train of thought forever, but she snapped back to reality and checked the server for instructions. 

AA1: As your leader, I have entered first so that those who came after me would not need to struggle like I did.  
AA1: This game is hard as hell, & some of you may not have what it takes.  
AA1: So I came back here to give you instructions on how this game works and what you need to know to get into the medium.  
AA1: This is all shit I figured out on my own or that my sprite told me.  
AA1: Oh I should mention I’m from the future  
AA1: So all of this happened like, an hour ago for me  
SS: You can time travel?  
AA1: Not now Stultus  
AA1: Ahem  
AA1: When you connect to someone as their server player, you can see them in their house & alter their real world environment. You can make any alterations to their surrounding you want if you have enough build grist, which is a sort of in-game abstraction you get by killing monsters. The important things you need to do are to place down all the objects in your phernalia registry (close to each other. Celeritus placed them all in separate rooms & I had to run around my house until I was out of breath. Don’t do that.) Put the pre-punched card in the totem lathe. Drop something heavy on the cruxtruder. PUT SOMETHING IN THE REMAINING FLASHY THINGY. DOESN’T MATTER WHAT. IT’S CRITICAL YOU DO THIS STEP. Take out a dowel from the cruxtruder & place it in the lathe. Take the newly carved totem & place it on the little pedestal on the alchemiter. A little worm will appear. Step on it. Congratulations. Your sprite will tell you the rest.  
AA1: You’re all welcome for me saving your lives  
AA1: Especially you Arcanus  
AA1: Now that I think about it, you must not have even seen this until the future  
AA1: What the hell were you doing?  
SS: Are you done  
SS: Hello?  
SS: @apocalypseArbiter  
AA1: Stultus for the love of god don’t ping me right now  
AA1: I’m fighting for my life trying to play this game  
AA1: The clock is ticking on the cruxtruder  
SS: I thought you already entered  
AA1: I literally just started. How could I have already entered?  
AA1: /mute @saccharineSeller 30 minutes


	5. The Land of Mountains and Giants

Maximus was ejecting skulls from his sylladex into the corner of his room. He had no idea why he even kept these around in the first place. He guessed he just didn’t like them lying haphazardly around the island. There were too many to keep track of. While he worked to make his sylladex more reasonably stocked, two old friends were talking his ear off.  
“After much $uffering, and a prolonged period of nonexi$tence, I finally get to $ee the prophecy come to fruition! I can’t believe it! Neither of me can! Thi$ i$ $o exciting! I have $o much to tell you about pa$t, and your future, and your de$tiny! Wow, look how much you’ve grown! I haven’t $een you $ince the day that I wa$ pummeled to death by a ma$ked exterminator, $ent to cut your de$tiny $hort, but you $urvived that! And you got ripped! Holy $hit look at you! You’re $till $hort, but, you’re $o $trong! What have you been doing $ince I died?”  
“DO I KNOW YOU?”  
“Oh go$h, where are my manner$. I’m two people! Of cour$e you don’t recognize me. You can call me Argentauru$$prite. It’$ a double portmanteau. Becau$e I u$ed to be, Argentu$, AND I used to be Auru$, and now I’m al$o a $prite! You remember me now right? Both of me? We had $o much fun together! Back before we died.” Maximus’s eyes widened and he turned suddenly to look at Argentaurussprite  
“YOU’RE @RGENTUS? @ND, @URUS? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? YOU C@ME B@CK FROM THE DE@D THROUGH THIS G@ME? WHY @RE YOU SH@RING @ BODY? HOW DID YOU GET HERE?”  
“Now you remember me! Allow me to explain. There i$ much I have to explain in fact. I hope you don’t mind a few monologue$.”  
“TH@T’S FINE; BUT I’M NOT GOING TO DROP WH@T I’M DOING. I’M GONNA GO EXPLORING; W@LK @ND T@LK WITH ME.”  
“I’m your $prite! Every player ha$ one. You’re different from other player$ though. You are far $tronger. But that al$o mean$ you mu$t work much harder to achieve victory. But I know that you can do it, becau$e it ha$ been your de$tiny $ince birth! We all knew it. Our whole $ect worked behind the $hadow$ to rai$e the one ordained by fate to re$urrect goblinkind, to bring them forth into a new era of freedom! And now that I am a $prite, the game ha$ told me exactly how you can do thi$! The game you play is no ordinary game Maximu$. $gob i$ a game that predate$ your very univer$e. By playing the game, you have brought about the de$truction of Nilbog, but, if you are victoriou$, you will create a new univer$e, one free of the tyranny that en$laved your people for thou$and$ of year$. For you $ee, thi$ game i$ the univer$al reproductive $y$tem. It i$ how univer$e$ make more of them$elve$. By participating in a $e$$ion, you have already become an extremely important individual, but it goe$ further than that. Every player ha$ a cla$$ and an a$pect, and you are no different in thi$ re$pect. Your a$pect i$ breath, the a$pect of freedom, to put it $imply. Your cla$$ i$ the Lord, one of the two ma$ter cla$$e$, re$erved for only the mo$t powerful of player$.”  
“NO SURPRISE THERE.” Said Maximus, “BY THE W@Y; UH; WHERE THE HELL @M I?”  
“Hmm? Oh! You’re in your land! Every player ha$ one. Your$ i$ the Land of Mountain$ and Giant$. Pretty $elf explanatory name.” It was indeed pretty self-explanatory. Maximus had spent the better half of the conversation making his way down the mountain that his house had been precariously placed upon, and traversing through the valley at the bottom. Enormous white humanoid beings walked the landscape, the ground shaking with every step. The ground was basically always shaking, all the time. Maximus followed the valley to an opening in the earth, a sort of cave. Goblins love caves. It’s where they used to live in prehistoric times, before Emperor Xero came and enslaved civilized them. Even if they didn’t love caves though, it’s obvious that if you’re exploring a land in a game, and you come across a cave, the cave is going to be full of treasure, and monsters. That’s where bandits and shit always are.  
The cave was dark, but Argentaurussprite lit the way. He was pretty bright. Maximus followed down a flight of crumbling stairs down to a huge cavern filled with enormous glowing stalagmites. The room was filled with little black imps, and in the center was a massive four eyed beast, standing over 75 feet tall. It was called an Acheron, but Maximus didn’t know that. That’s what it’s called though. The acheron let out a mighty roar, ripped a glowing stalagmite out of the floor, and threw it at Maximus, who quickly dodged the hell out of get. I mean, got the hell out of dodge. Or, uh… He got out of the way. With alacrity. Maximus took out his minigun from his strife specibus and began to fire at the Acheron, which quickly succumbed to the barrage and exploded into hundreds of little colorful pieces. Maximus then began to mow down the imps until he ran out of bullets. The rest of them he pummeled into oblivion with his goblin fists. It posed basically no challenge for him whatsoever. Argentaurussprite began to gather up all the grist.  
“WH@T’S @LL THIS COLORFUL SH@PESTUFF?”  
“That’$ gri$t! A lot of gri$t in fact. I don’t think you were $uppo$ed to be here thi$ early. Thi$ i$ unbelievable. There’$ multiple different kind$ of gri$t. There’$ build gri$t, which you already have plenty of, thank$ to being fifth in the connection chain. Build gri$t allow$ your $erver player to build thing$, like addition$ to your hou$e, which you’ll need to complete the game! The other type$ of gri$t are u$ed for alchemy!”  
“C@N THEY BE USED @S BULLETS?”  
“No, but they can be u$ed to make bullet$!”  
“WH@T; SHOW ME HOW”  
“Well you’ll need to climb back to your hou$e fir$t.”  
“FUCK; I DIDN’T EXPECT TO USE UP @LL OF MY BULLETS SO SOON.” Maximus’s laptop pinged.

DD: We have a shitlQd Qf grist nQw. Did yQu dQ sQmething?  
MM: I THOUGHT YOU COULD SEE ME  
DD: NQt anymQre. YQu went Qut Qf sight when yQu jumped Qff yQur hQuse.  
MM: I CLIMBED OFF MY HOUSE  
MM: IT W@SN’T RE@LLY @ JUMP  
MM: BUT YE@H I JUST KILLED @ BUNCH OF MONSTERS WITH MY MINIGUN  
MM: THEY @LL DROPPED @LL TH@T; @ND NOW MY SPRITE IS GONN@ TE@CH ME TO USE THEM TO M@KE MORE BULLETS; YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW F@ST THIS MINIGUN RUNS OUT OF BULLETS  
DD: Have yQu ever wQndered whQ named the minigun?  
MM: PROB@BLY @ GIG@NTIC @SSHOLE  
MM: I DON’T THINK THERE EVEN @RE @NY GUNS TH@T @RE BIGGER TH@N THE MINIGUN  
MM: IT SHOULD BE C@LLED THE HUMONGOUS FUCKING GUN  
MM: HOW’S THE REST OF THE TE@M DOING?  
DD: Celeritus has cQnnected. Arcanus is cQnnecting as we speak.  
MM: COOL; COOL  
MM: OOH; HOLD ON @ SEC  
MM: THERE’S SOME MORE TO THIS C@VE I W@NN@ EXPLORE  
MM: BRB

Maximus spotted a hole in the ceiling with light emanating from it. He deftly climbed up to the top of one of the glowing stalagmites and balanced himself. It was still a good 40 feet up to the hole. I should probably clarify for the dumber readers right now that I’m not talking stalagTITES, I’m talking about the less common stalagMITES. Stalagtites hang from the ceiling, stalagmites rise up out of the ground and go up. You can remember it with the simple mnemonic:  
“Stalagmites MIGHT be the upside downy ones, but they’re not.”  
Honestly if you can remember how to spell mnemonic you can remember anything. Oh shit the story. We forgot to follow along. He already got up. I wonder how the hell he did it. You should have been paying attention.


End file.
